Every year, I always look forward to putting up the Christmas tree but now, doing that makes me feel like crap. I’m so reminded of my two angels whom I dreamed of sharing the fun of putting up the tree when they grow older. Now, I’m going to put it together by myself again. I’m so lonely. I want my babies back on my tummy but I know that’s not gonna happen. I hate this feeling! I hate being so sad!!!

So, when I found out I was pregnant again, I can’t seem to get rid of this feeling that something bad was going to happen. Days leading to my first doctors appointment, I told my husband to get me another box of home pregnancy kit. Everyday for one week, I was testing my urine to see if I was still pregnant. I know, I was crazy, right? I’d breathe a sigh of relief every time I’d see those two line…

October 21, I went to see my doctor for my fist appointment. Since I have a history of miscarriage, she ordered an ultrasound for me. Walking through the ultrasound room brought back painful memories but I was hopeful that this time, my ultrasound would turn out good. So, I laid down on the bed and watch the small monitor to see my uterus. When the sonographer told me that she see doesn’t see a fetus, I started to get nervous. She told me it was too early to tell because my pregnancy shows only 4 weeks. I know I was already 6 weeks pregnant. My worst fear had come true.

At the monitor was a black round thing which they call gestational sac. It was the same thing that I saw when I first found out about my blighted ovum in 2010. Looking at it made me gag…you have no idea how I hated seeing that again. I went back to the doctor’s office and she told me that I might have counted wrong and it’s really too early to tell or I will have another miscarriage. She told me to come back after week to have another ultrasound.

The drive home was miserable. I cried my eyes out to sleep. My husband was very sweet and comforting and told me I might be wrong. But no matter what he said, I was almost certain that I will have another miscarriage. In my mind I was telling God that he can’t be this cruel. God knows how long we have been praying for a baby, He knows the pain I went through when I miscarried so for me to go through it again is beyond my comprehension. I was sulking all night, all weekend. I felt special when I knew I was pregnant–but after that Friday trip to the doctor, I seemed like I lost it. In fact, I thought if I pretended that I wasn’t pregnant, I might miscarried sooner. The sooner I’m rid of the sac, the sooner I can move on with my life. So, I started going back to wearing heels in school, I didn’t care if I was on my feet all day. I stopped looking up pregnancy websites and I stopped talking about it to my husband too.I was in rebellion. And yes, I was rebelling against God.

Then, God reminded me of a song that I used to sing in choir when I was young. The chorus says,

God is too wise to be mistaken

God is too good to be unkind

So when you don’t understand

When you don’t see His plan

When you can’t trace His hand

Trust His heart

I felt ashamed of my thoughts. I had no right to question God. I prayed for forgiveness and surrendered to His will. I read Psalm 77 and prayed that God would make my heart right. After that, I found myself more at peace as the days leading to my next doctor’s appointment. Of course I still want this pregnancy to progress but I realized that I wasn’t scared to lose it either. I knew that whatever it is, God has a reason and it is always for my good.

October 28, 2011. I walked in the ultrasound room again. I was nervous but I wasn’t scared. I was hopeful but I was prepared for the worst. So imagine my joy when the sonographer showed me the little fetus on my tummy! She showed it to us and the heart was moving like some kind of waves. We even got to hear the heart beat! 107 beats per minute! I was told I was 6 weeks and 1 day preggo!

I was in awe! I was so happy and excited! We came back to the doctor’s office and my doctor was excited for us, too. She put me on progesterone as precaution and I’m coming back on Wednesday for another ultrasound. She said she just wants to see a stronger heart beat. But after what God did, I’m sure I would carry this baby to full term. I’m not even worried about Wednesday’s appointment. I know that God is protecting me and my baby. Praise the Lord!

PSALM 139

To say that I’m disappointed is an understatement. When the doctor told me that my hormones isn’t rising as it should, the first thought that cane to my head was “Surely Lord you are not this cruel??”

I was crying on my home. I can’t have blighted ovum two pregnancies in a row…that can’t happen, right?

But you know, I refuse to believe that God is cruel. I still believe that He has a reason for all this. He’s too wise to be mistaken and I know that for sure.

The Global God Who Gives the Great Commission.

An awesome sermon…!

This is a full-length video from John Piper’s website: Desiring God.

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